Fall Back

I've hinted at this a bit on here without getting much into the details, but I've made some big changes to my regular activities this fall.  I had been feeling like I was in a bit of a rut and not liking where I was in several areas of my life.  My spiritual life was really lacking and the time I was spending studying God's word or in prayer was just not enough.  I wanted more, but needed to make some changes to kick-start it.  I needed to "Fall Back" into some old habits I had gotten away from.  Thankfully, the changes have helped and have also brought some newness and fresh air, new people and a busyness that I am enjoying this fall. They've also brought some reading into my life. 

A whole. lot. of. reading. 

So, what are these changes I speak of?

-- BSF. I used to do BSF in Dallas, but hadn't tried out the NYC chapter. My good friend Lucy has been doing it here for a couple of years and I've been wanting a good Bible Study, so I'm giving it a go this year. It's an International Bible Study (my sis even did it when she lived in Paris and she is doing it now in Dallas with the boys...they have an incredible kids program!), so you can find it in just about any city. And it's non-denominational...in fact, they ask that you refrain from giving specifics on your own church to your group. It's a Bible study in the rawest form...really just digging into the word. We are studying the book of Isaiah for 32 weeks (Sept-May). There are four parts to BSF 1) each week you have daily scripture reading and questions to do on your own 2) on Monday's we get together in assigned small groups to go over our answers to the questions 3) all the small groups come together to hear a lecture on the material we studied all week and 4) we are sent home with notes from the lecture to read through. So, it's a lot of reading, but I really was craving this. I have trouble coming up with my own Bible Study plans and sticking with it. BSF provides a structure and accountability that I really benefit from. It is held in a beautiful church on Park Avenue, so it's also nice to go there every week. Several ladies from my church decided to do it this year as well, so it's fun to see them and catch-up each week. My small group is amazing. These girls have incredible faith and trust and a huge desire to seek God and follow His will and are doing it so well in a city where things like materialism, sex, excessive drinking, etc... are constantly thrown in your face. I didn't expect to find this type of community at BSF, but I've been very happy with it.

- New Community Group. After about 3.5 years in the same community group, I was ready for a change. When I met these girls, I was fresh off quitting my job at the Journey...I was starting over in New York with a new job, new church, and new friends (for the most part). One of my big prayers was to meet girls around my age and same life stage. What an answered prayer! They were exactly what I thought I needed at the time. We have had a lot of fun over the past few years. But for the last couple of years, I really struggled with it being more of a social group than anything else. And as far as a community group goes, we really weren't a healthy one or didn't embody the things that define what true community is. This past year, I was giving it a final chance and then about half of our group started making some poor decisions not in line with scripture and didn't care (it's the not caring that gets to me...I make poor decisions all the time, too). Although I love these girls dearly and will continue to count them as friends, I just couldn't have my community group be full of people who weren't striving or even desiring to know God and His will better and to be obedient to that. It's really hard to always choose God's way and it's even harder when I don't have people encouraging me in taking that path - and although I totally take responsibility for some of my set-backs over the past couple of years, I was aware that right now I really need to surround myself with other people who were striving for that. It was time for me to move on. I explained it to the girls - they understood and were not surprised as I'd really been trying this past year to take us to the next level and we clearly weren't getting there. So, I immediately moved on to a new group...and I am loving it!! This group sort of exploded when I started going and it's pretty big...about twice the size of my old group.  Some of the girls I've known for a while, although not well. They were so welcoming. Ema, who I've known since my very first days at the church, hugged me no less than 3 times my first night there and told me repeatedly how glad she was that I was there. It was nice and I have felt so welcome there every week. It's a mixed group, so we have guys in our group which is new for me. I have really appreciated their input, though.  One of our leaders is a guy and he is so incredible...so Godly and prayerful. And the group is so sincere and everyone seems to really want to experience a deeper relationship with Christ and true community with each other. So, that has been a welcome change. I am looking forward to spending this next year with this group. And, I'm really enjoying getting to know a few of the girls who I didn't know before and think some of them may become dear friends. In fact, one of the girls, Katie, told me that she's just sure we're going to be close and she knew it the moment I walked in the first night - I have no idea what makes her think that - ha! But, she's adorable and we've been having some fun together.

- Katie and I actually decided to start reading a book together and have been meeting before group each week to discuss the book and eat a yummy meal - fun! We are reading a book that was mentioned on our women's retreat back in September.  Several girls in the church are actually reading thru it together in smaller groups.  So, that's neat that everyone is doing it at the same time.  The book is Beth Moore's "So Long Insecurity".  I have done a couple of Beth Moore's intense Bible studies in the past ("Breaking Free" and "To Live is Christ").  I have found those books to be life-changing.  Perhaps because they force you to really dig into scripture and the power of God's word has a way of transforming your mind and desires so that they conform to Gods.  I have also read her book "Praying God's Word" and that's one I should actually pick back up...it is a great tool for your prayer life.  This past spring, I read on several blogs that different ladies were reading "So Long Insecurity" or going to the conference tied to the book.  I don't feel like I suffer from insecurity as severely as many girls do, but of course, I think we all suffer from it to some extent.  So, I thought this might be a good book.  We're about half-way through and I still haven't gotten a whole lot out of it.  I feel like we haven't gotten to the "meat" yet....hopefully it is coming.  It has made me think about some things and realize some things about myself that I hadn't before or maybe I had and just ignored or pushed out of my thoughts.  I'd love to feel secure 100% of the time...to never walk into a room feeling like I am about to be judged or to always feel like I can be myself.  And I CAN feel that way, it's just a matter of getting to that point and always remembering that God made us in His image and He clothed us with strength and dignity.  He made me a dignified person, one who deserves respect!  If He says that is who I am, who am I to deny it?!

- My book club. I took a few months off of book club in spring and summer...no particular reason other than I was too busy to read or go to the meetings, so I backed off for a bit. But, I missed it, so I've incorporated it back into my life. I missed out on some really great books that I'm going to have to figure out how to fit in now! When I started book club, I liked it because it was a different group of friends outside of church, which is where most of my friends come from. I enjoyed having a different set of people to spend an evening with once a month (sometimes more). Book club started out with a bunch of Texans who knew each other through various connections. But, most of the Texans moved on back to Texas (first Stephanie, then Christina, next was Lynn, and finally Courtney)! Such is life in such a transient city. Only Rosella and I are left from the early days and Texas clan. Beth is still around too...although, she's not from Texas. And Beth has done an excellent job of recruiting more members. She works in the movie industry and has all these friends in the movie industry, so the Texans who left have all been replaced with movie people. Our book club now represents Focus Features, Paramount, Weinstein Bros, and the Tribecca Film Festival. Yes, free movies are in my future! When I went back to club for the first time in August, there were some unfamiliar faces and many I'd seen only once before. Book club had really evolved! I was actually a little nervous going there. It turns out I love it though! In fact, I think I may like this group better than I did the original one. They are so nice and really fun! I've read 4 books since I started back..."One Day" was my favorite. I did not like "The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie". "My Name is Memory" was pretty good, too. We've eaten at some really great spots, too...at the end of August we went to the Clerkenwell, which was a British pub (it wasn't great, but okay). At the end of September, I chose Pink Pony, which is where I went for Joy's birthday last year...super cute little spot with French food in the LES. And at the beginning of November, we went to Pulino's, which is a great pizza place owned by the same people who own the infamous Pastis.

So, yeah!  Lots of reading!  I'm enjoying it all though...I like it when I have deadlines to read because I'm not so good at doing it on my own time.  And all the reading of God's word is really effecting how I feel...in a great way!  It was kind of crazy, but back in September, my pastor made a statement at church and then our BSF leader made almost the exact same statement the very next night during the lecture and it really spoke to me.  This is what was said:

my notes from church -- "We were created in the image of God - to reflect Him, to meet His purposes.  If we flee from that, we are fleeing from what it means to be human."

my notes from BSF -- "Our present reality is this, when we depart from God, we lose our true humanity."

So, I pretty much knew this and it was similar thoughts that led me to make so many changes this fall with the CG change and adding in BSF.  However, I had never heard it worded quite like this and how crazy to hear it two nights in a row.  Probably not so much a coincidence.  It really reminded me how I've felt the past two years when I've often put my relationship with Christ on the back burner.  Basically, I haven't felt like myself!!  And it makes so much sense when I think about it in this way.  God created me to be in relationship with Him and when I am not pursing that, I am less than He created me to be.  I am dehumanizing myself.  It was like bells were going off in my head.  And, after the past couple of months of immersing myself deeper into the Word (not with perfection, but a whole lot more than before), I feel so much more like myself and like I know who I am.  It is so freeing and feels so much more light and easy.  Hope I do not forget this little lesson.  Ever.